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26th February 2002
Being an MC aint to bad and it always
has it benifits as a wise man called normal Dave once said
"Every woman wants him and men want to be him."
So out of bed to a top wIcked chown, also known as Song 2 by Blur. As I
crawl outta bed at 8:15 I realise that school sucks dick! The only skool I
like Is OLD SKOOL! Me and my mum usually skin up in the morning but today we
wanted something a bit more exciting so breakfast was 2 ecstacy tablets and
heroin. So after double dropping ecstacy and wacking up on heroin, I was on
top of the world.
To skool it was then where i can meet up with my main man Mr Jones aka
Fishslice.
"Yo, Yo my man, hows it hangin. Wanna double drop pro plus?"
Pro plus is the only thing that keeps top DJ's running along with every
other drug on the face of the Earth.
Top one, nice one snorted bloke. So its down the pub for Fuzz and the
hommies tonight, large at the Travellers for a proper bangin night out. A
line of Charlie and few spliffs will keep my truckin through the night! Safe
geezer, word out!
After laying down some phat mixes on the great program called EJAY, i chose
to chillout and listen to a wide selection of old skool classics. Just
chillin with a spliff then i get a phone call from ibiza and what dya know
its me old mucca, fat boy slim.
"Hows it going bloke, i just wanna know what sorta mixes i should play large
tonight?"
So i sez to the lad.
"A little bit of old skool but whack in the odd bit of Phat Chown. See ya
laterz bloke."
With the fat boy happy. I thought id listen to an old Fish & Fuzz mix, the
Timmy chown, so time roles on and along come 'whackin up time' out comes the
heroin and the scottish accent. The accent wears off and then Fuzz is off to
the pub where DJ's are made. Nice one bruvva.
A last bit of news, with the fat man bopa on the pull at Tamworth, the
Travellers was jumpin due to Fish & Fuzz, Swanny, Rushton, Dave and Jake.
With the beer pumpin, the chowns flowing it was a nite to remember. Me, Fuzz
man with money for the first time in months pool was top priority then
charlie, if you know what i mean.
26th February of February over an done wiv so ill be seeing ya laterz and
its off to the bed where dreams are made and instead of a heavy pumpin sesh
im gettin some Z's so see ya laterz geezers.
27th February 2002
Another day kicking off with bed head
and bits of cue in my hair. That Fat irish twat really gave me a going over.
But thanks to Fishslice that waster went down. So up I get, have an early
morning smoke and its off to skool. My bag is packed and ready with my
trusty bong (Jethro) for me and Fish to get stoned!
So after a boring couple of lessons im off to the pub where i met Elton John
"Hows it going Fuzz bloke?"
"Not to bad Fag Man but why would you wanna speak to me, im not into fun and
games like that you know, ask Big Bopa."
"I just want you to remix a quality chown."
"What? you mean ABC by the Jackson 5?"
"No i mean Candle in the Wind its got potential"
"Potential? Bollocks. Its got the potential of George Michael getting laid
at Stringfellows."
"Come on bloke give it a go, I did with ya mum."
"Look shit face theres no hope in help in F & F remixin that pile of wank,
so go away and get fucked, coversation over dickhead."
With Elton out the way and darts on the burn the day looked to be going on
the bright side.
Just as i say that the two dickheads Smashy and Nicey walk through the door.
"Righto pop pickers we found out what you did to Westlife's Shane and we'll
kick your asses."
"Not half."
Me armed with darts and 20 pence piece and Fish with a bowl of spicey curly
fries, the heat was on. A pub full of Phat Chown fans, could me and Fish
afford to let the side down.
So clearing the way for a big FCUK off brawl the time was ours, my 20p on
the floor and it was on.
"SMASHY! SMASHY!" I shouted and the brawl was on.
A kick to the face of nicey and that bitch went down. Fish runs over and
throws a dart into the leg of Smashy and he was pissin blood everywhere!
What a dick. "Listen to me you washed up bastards, go and FCUK off. A few
pint glasses to their heads sent the wasters packin.
What a great way to end a lunch in the pub. Stinkin of stale beer and blood
I went back to school.
Thats the day over pretty much a shitty day thanx to Elton John but made
better by battering shit out of Smashy and Nicey.
28th February 2002
After losing that 20p in the fight
yesterday i woke up proper pissed off. What a load of bolox, skool = shite.
Sod it i wont bother today i said, but then i got stuck watching postman pat
on TV. That gave me the well needed kick up the arse to get outta bed. So on
the way to skool i spot that old bald monkey Paul Daniels coming towards me.
"Whatya want you bald magical monkey?"
"Righto Fuzzy im after two DJ's, and i've heard your the best on the town."
"You got that damn right but why would i want to end my career with you when
its just startin?"
"Look its a stage performance of Wizbit but i want you to remix the tune
live on stage, got it."
"Sounds good, but i'll only do it if i can bend over that bird. You know?
Miss Debbie McGee."
"Get fucked fuzz your good but not that good. Nobody bones Debs, not even
me!"
So with that i kicked fuck outta that bald twat, shoved his cards up his
arse and left him feet first in a hedge. Battering a washed up magician that
a great way to cheer up an MC in the morning i suggest you try it.
So to skool it was, after wiping blood off my hands and signing in late I
was on way for what i can only describe as the best day ever! A total 67
hits on this very web page! WICKED! Not only that i had also found yet
another, yes another kettle! If you dont know, we throw around kettles and
try to break them. We used to play catch the cup, until we broke 3 in one
day.
So after having a thrilling morning at skool, it was to the pub where I meet
the rest of the Battee Cru. But today was going to be no ordinary day at the
pub chief. Just after throwing my first dart, out pops that bald conjuring
twat again but this time he's with another bunch of bastards. Paul Daniels,
Dale Winton, Judge Jules and Dr Fox. This is no normal fight those cunts had
weapons. Not only that Paul Daniels was still shittin out playing cards, and
he also had a wand in his grubby little hands. Dale winton had a dildo,
Judge Jules had vinyl and Dr Fox had a pint glass.
Me and Fish looked proper fucked at the minute, but Fish had a back up plan.
Fish pulled out his......pair of scissors then he threw them at Dr Fox and
slit that big bastards throat, ear to ear. "Goodnite Fat Shit." shouted
Fish. Now it was only 3 to 2. Just as i thought that the Judge throws his
vinyl at me Oddjob Stylee. But it was hits from the 80's. God damn i hate
80's wank. Off come the glasses and i drop the nut on that cocky twat Jules.
"Eat shit motherfucker, dont throw 80's shite at me."
Now down to two all. Off come my trousers to show my lucky kilt, Braveheart
style like you do.
Just as my trousers come off Dale Dildo runs at me, then i realised me in a
kilt and him with a dildo i properly shit my pants (if i wore any). Just as
Winton runs at me Fish saves my arse with a pint glass in the nose of Winton
and that nob jocky was crying like a baby. A few kicks to the ribs sorted
that twat out. Now for Daniels. "Ill have this twat Fish. Go and get rid of
Judge, Winton and Fox" After that a run at Daniels takes him off balance,
just enough time to smash his face off the nearest table. A kick to the
bolox and i thought it was goodnite sweetheart, so i turn my back. But what
do i see, nothing but Daniels running at me with his black wand waving.
"This is for wizbit" Shouted Daniels.
So i take out a dart from the board and throw it a Daniels aiming for his
arm, got the bastard! His wand drops along with his blood, a swift kick to
his face and out through the window.
"Come near me again and ill stick wizbit and all the rest of your little
tricks right up your arse."
What another great fuckin day it was. Me and Fish beating fuck out of 4
people and me beating Daniels twice. Right chief stay chowned for another
instalment next week, who will me and Fish batter next time?
1st March 2002
PHAT CHOWN the video. Yes you read it
right. Phat Chown the video could be all go on Friday boys and girls your
big man MC Fuzz was having a good coversation with Steven Spielberg...
"Yo yo Stevie Boy, hows the old movie business bloke?"
"Not to bad you know, what dya want anyway Fuzz dude. I hear your pretty big
in the dance industry."
"Yeah...i suppose, makin it big style. So thats why i got on the blower to
ya. Do you wanna be the most popular director in the music scene?"
"Yeah what the fuck, i'll give it a go. Speak to me soon then bloke."
"No worries Stevie and NICE ONE BRUVVA"
"Safe as fuck lad."
So with that i was on top of the world a Phat Chown Video being made by
Steven Spielberg. LARGE. So that was me on top of the world AGAIN. But as i
was crusin on the street i saw that fuck up Ricky Martin. That fat dick is
always askin for a beating so i thought i would.
"OI! OI! You fat latino twat come here."
"What dya want? Livin la vida loca"
"Dont give me any of that Loca shit, ive had enuff of it lad."
"Shake ya bon bon, shake ya bon bon."
"I'll show you shake ya bon bon." Then i decided to twat his knee caps with
my lucky baseball bat. "Look dipshit nobody likes you and your wank songs so
get fucked."
A few digs to the face and that bitch was sorry for all of the wank that
he's subjected us to.
"Get fucked with Livin la vida loca, its gonna be livin la vida hospital for
you mate." Then i kicked him in the throat and went along with my business.
What a good day.
2nd March 2002
Yeah PARTY! It's good old Mark Simmonds'
birthday party. So that where ill start from on the write up. When i turned
up an hour late i thought well thats me gonna have missed a whole lot of
shit that went on, but what did i see...? An empty dance floor. Problem
there i thought, so after a few words with Fish-slice we decided to get the
dancefloor pumpin. YOU'RE MY MATE, LIVE! What an amazing achievement. Me
Fish-slice and MC Phil Fiddick (aka Jake) sang like angel's to get the
dancefloor pumpin. With many requests from me and Fish the two top DJ's we
thought thats its time to get our groove on. This came in the form of Billie
Jean By Michael Jackson, me, Fish, MC Phil Fiddick and DJ Cyclops (Beal) all
start to strut like pro's the moonwalk to willie grabbing in full swing, we
got the dancefloor pumpin. Me and Fish have a great effect on the crowd even
when we're not DJing.
Large, bloke, safe, word up, Roll another Fat one.
3rd March 2002
What films do top MC's watch. Cuz i
know you care. Well the top film has to be Monsters Inc. What a top film,
especially the out takes. So anyway, me, swanny, Tracey and Me Jenny went.
It was a big god damn surprise to see Tracey without DJ Big Bopa up her
arse.
Besides after a few drinks at THE REST (aka Travellers Rest). Sid Owen
turned up spoutin that bullshit, you know...
"Bianca Bianca"
That cockney twat mustav been pissed or something cuz he was mouthin off
proper bad.
"Fush and Fizz suck dick. Spielberg should be puttin me in a film not you
wasters."
Thats when i thought to myself, hold up nobody slags off two of the best
names in the dance industry. So i get on the blower to Fish.
"Oi oi chap, hows it going."
"Not bad Fuzz bloke, what ya up to."
"Fancy gettin in a brawl with that waste of space Sid Owen?"
"Yip yip yip. Be there in a flash."
"SAFE see ya geeza."
Quick as a flash Fish was there on the scene just at the right time, Sid
Owen started mouthin off YET AGAIN. I mean im a peace lovin bloke as you
know, but i fuckin hate Sid Owen. Out come the brass knuckles and then
Bianca Runs through the door.
"Ricky!" shouted Bianca
"Bianca!" said Ricky
"Fuckin have em Fuzz" Said Fish while pickin up a pint glass and throws it
towards the bar where Sid was standin. That twat was coated in glass head to
foot. I thought that cunt had it, then he goes down to pick up a snooker
cue, so i run over and kick that twat in the nose and punch him in the ribs
with the old brass knuckles. Just as Sid is pissin blood all over the bar
that bitch with a face like a pork scratchin jumps on my back so I body slam
her onto the pool table.
"Look, Fuck off, you stupid ginger bitch."
After that Fish twats round the back of the head with a pool cue and that
was the bitch down.
4th March 2002
Just a borin day for the battee cru
today...Football later which was pretty cool. Me and Fish have realised that
we need to spend a lot more time outside other than in the pub. You know
just to get fit. Especially if we is gonna be DJing in Ibiza next week. Bet
ya didnt know that. Well for the whole of this week me and Fish have been on
WDJD (World DJ Day). It has some top bangin DJ's and Phat Chown might be
makin an appearance with Pete Tong. Just stay chowned for more news.
Biggit up chief.
5th March 2002
After a pretty much shit day i decided
i'd lay down a phat mix. Not to bad you know, ive called it welcome to the
Fuzz. Pretty bangin chief, Me and Fish will make it into a proper bangin
chown. So today i woke up with a fury tongue you know after a night on the
piss, but then i turned over and there was Stan's mum, god i had the fright
of my life. When you wake up to someone with a face that looks like a
lizards cunt you tend to scream. So she was out the door in 5 seconds flat.
So anyway it was off to skool, but it aint too bad i only have 1 lesson so i
was pretty much coastin it bloke. So there i was just walkin up Highfields
road and the old dog 'n' bone starts ringin. So i looks at it an' it sez
This is wrong. What the fuck i thought. Hold up its Pete Tong.
"Hows it going tongy?"
"Not to bad Fuzz but i really wanna know are you coming to fabric for World
DJ Day?"
"Yip yip, going rudeboy stylee we'll be there no problemo chieftan. Now fuck
off bloke."
"Safe as fuck Fuzz!"
Well what can i say but another boring day for old Fuzz, but friday should
be proper bangin Bloke.
BE THERE...FABRIC IN LONDON. |
