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Dear Misery Mixmasters

All of my friends think that Im munting.  Granted I have massive breasts but a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.   What can I do to be better looking?

From Sheila A

 

Dear Sheila

Massive breasts are great and there will be shit loads of men who wanna lick and squeeze those babys.  Send me a pic and maybe I will but if your munting you have no chance with me love.  I like top class birds.  Sort yourself out get a paper round and get plastic surgery you munter.

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

My penis is too small!  Ive had many girlfriends and we get on really well, it’s just when it comes to foreplay and sex the girl cry’s with laughter and then walks out.  I know two dynamic DJ’s such as yourselves are hung like donkeys.  Help me!

From Bobby N

 

Dear Bobby

A big penis is everything, you get everywhere in life, look at us.  Many woman will say its not the size, its what you do with it.  But apparently a big love truncheon is the best thing for a woman.  The best thing to do is move away to a place where only dwarfs live, become their leader and nob all the women.  Sold

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

I’m a wannabe DJ, I know you two started at school years ago, but I wanna break into the scene.  Can I join the Battee Cru?

From Gent Q

 

Dear Gent

You have no god damn chance of joining us, we worked hard to get where we are, not sponging off other people’s success.  You’re a loser and id give you a kick in the happy sacks if I found you

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

Mr Floppy Mr Floppy Mr Floppy.  It’s all I seem to hear after sex, I can’t keep a nob-on for the ladies.  Am I gay?

From Matthew T

 

Dear Matthew

Well son, we had a friend with this problem at school, nobody’s perfect.  Spaghetti is good when floppy, but nobody wants a floppy love length.  So if you think your gay maybe you are.  If you wanna dip in the brown do it but don’t write to us telling us about it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

My breasts aren’t big enough but I have huge nipples, is there anyway I can make my tits seem bigger so lads will want me.

From Rita G

 

Dear Rita

Every girl has a different size of top bollocks, yours happen to be pancakes where as Jordan has balloons.  Some guys like the small tit, not me!  But don’t worry someone like my mate Stan might go for ya

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

I have a horrible nob cheese problem.  Granted I masturbate about 8 times a day and only clean up with a t-shirt.  It’s starting to smell through my boxers and trousers.  What can I do?

From Romeo

 

Dear Romeo

STOP WANKING SO MUCH, you’re a sick monkey, there will be no girl on this planet who wants a guy stinking of nob cheese, have a wash, stop wanking and buy a hooker.

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

Ive been going out with my girlfriend for about 18 months, the sex is great, but I want more.  Her mother.  Every time Im round the house she offers me drinks then gives me a wink when she asks if I want anything more.  Would it be wrong to bend her over and give her a good doing?

From Barry W

 

Dear Barry

A good doing is definitely the answer, shes clearly gagging for it and man points will be earned.  If shes fit then its even better.  Maybe you could get a threesome?  Your girlfriend and her mother, bingo bango.  Send in the pics and a commentary.  Safe

 

Dear Misery Mixmasters

I want a threesome but with two guys, Im a man also.  Everyone talks about a spit roast but does it always have to be the girl as the pig?  I wanna be a piglet.

From Sam Q

 

Dear Sam

Does the Q stand for queer?  Nobody wants to squeal like a pig, and those who do need to be shot, or sent to Iraq.  Don’t ask me again about this I don’t care ok?