Phatchown Home

Salad? hows it going cru? well im glad they are not quite as painful as before. A simple cream can work wonders these days. Talking of cream, that big banging choon fortress in liverpool, well some cunt has gone an burned it down. Im gonna catch that filthy twaty scutty gay botty boy of a scouser.

Talking of which, stan is living there now isnt he? well stan stan the endaway man has been letting himself down of late. He had a "piss off, Piss Up" party coz he was going away to be a square head boffin chap. Well Phat Chown was invited to play the party, naturally, but i couldnt be arsed coz id fucked 17 women the night before. Sore cock ill tell ya.

Anyways, i had the night of so DJ Big Boppa played instead. Well our kid Fuzz bought Captain Unwashed a pint, it had all kinds of whacked shit in it, cordial, water, maybe even alcohol. it was also roumoured that the Fuzz himself being a Knock Drug User, popped a bit of base in there for the chap aswel. what a geezer. even if he does have a beard. I think The Fuzz is the only cool person i know of with a beard. I mean Jesus christ wasnt actually real he was made up in a stupid book, and he couldnt even mix very well. Take Godskitchen for example. the DJ's there are shit. That bloke with the beard and the turban is quite cool though isnt he? well he must be, hes been standing next to trevor Mcdonald quite alot in the past few days for some reason. how he manages to look so still on live television is amazing though.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAmazing.

But as beards go, its definately a no no. look at Howie Gay in my side project CMOT. G-A-Y. Talking about gays, i was in Chameleon the other day because Keith Chegwin told me that Judge Jules was gonna be playing there. I had a qiuck scout round and all i could see was fags. Which wasnt good becase Judge Jules is a fag, and a fag looks like a fag which looks like a fag who looks like Stan. So theres all these stan clones walking around, looking for an inncocent virgin bottom to penetrate, so i grip my tinny hard, and clench my arse. Only to find some rampant queer passing me a fag. FAGS FAGS EVERYWHERE. Its a customs officers nightmare. that was it. I left very quickly. and not through the back way if you know what i mean.

Anyway, where was i? oh yeah, when the Fuzz brough stan a safe drink. Word. Well stan goes to neck this safe mixture, only for it to be theived from his grasp by his minging Aunt. She necks the mixture then spews it all over the hip "travellers Club" dance floor. Well the fuzz is proper fucked off.

That fucking drink cost him fucking two pound fucking fifty you fuck-up.

For the Fuzz that means hes gotta dish out alot of methadone down the pharmacy to cover that bitches drink. Fuzzeo says right to her face "You fucked up fuckface motherfucker. why the fuck did you do that you fucking fuck-ming? yes i said Fuck-ming!". Well needless to say, the beast was stunned. Whipcrack went its mingy face, and the beast threw up again. However, the grandfather was not happy.

Youve heard of a "grandfather clock" yes? well he was a "grandfather knock". as in Hard Knock geez. Were talking a Grandaddy that pumps the iron three times a day. But we all know its not just Sanatogen and Cod Liver Oil he is on. Round here we call them the "Whack-up-stanleys". Big Boppa Fatchit just stepped back and let the fuzz do his thing, and he promptly did. Stu "knock" Assboy. Hip.

So what else has a geezer as hip and westside as the Fish-Slice been doing all summer? well ive been living the life of a geezer, actually being a geezer n'all.

Festivals.

Shit Music
Shit Toilets
Shitty Car Stereo Theives
Shitty Scousers Everywhere (probably linked to the above)
Shitty Prices for Salad My Friend (and you can tell that its not even real british food, because the people selling it are not turkish, see Shaban Below)

Andrew WK
White Strieps
Island
reading
 

 

 

chown7.jpg

 

Look at Shabans sexy T-Shirt. Must be a White Stripes Fan, Shame he is dead. More on the White Stripes later.

Well the first festival was errrmmm, "safe". Apparently. the slogan reads:

"more security, more toilets, more music!" bollocks

It was early one saturday morning and we all crammed into M.C. Scampi's lovewagon/MPV (massive posse vehicle) and made our was to Kwik Save for some top Tinnies. What is a festival without Tinnies? ill tell you what it is, its a load of indie tossers watching some long haired twat playing a "guitar" while "on" "herbal Highs" which are actually Shit Block Relief tablets. Which brings us to the toilets. RANK CHEIF. You might actually forgive the chap before you if he had only just of missed the seat a little bit, but when you cant actually SEE the seat in the first place, it takes the piss.

And its on to security. We took this one bloke with us in Scampi's MPV called Slick Simon. I had worked with him in the past in my side project "colours made of tears". I thought he was an alright bloke, if not slightly camp. Well we got to the securty check point and they took one look at me and thought "now hes that safe Fish-Slice DJ geezer bloke, the brains behind Phat Chown! he is bound to have shit loads of stanky ass skunk and some mean pills...... but..... well..... he is so safe, im gonna let him in without a search!". I knew this was gonna happen so i walked straight past those scouse twats, looking each of them in the eye to see if i could get any clues about the demise of the Superclub Cream. No luck boss. Anyway, this simon kid goes to walk straight past security as if HE is actually one of the Best DJ's in the world, then they grab his camp ass and start rumaging through his stuff. First the scouse bitch pulls out a mirror, then a big pink feather boa. The scouse Bitch then declares simon "gay", needless to say, we ran off and never saw simon again.
 

Sunday 24th Feb 2002

 

 

After a late night sampling some top choons in bangin lichfield i fell over my doorstep at about 3:30 am. Not good. Id had quite a few beers and after a failed nite endawaying, i was proper ready for some zee's man. Safe. Proper knackered i was. Slept till about 9am. Why the fcuk i got up at 9 i dont know. i just couldnt sleep. Probably thinkin about the bangin choons i had listened to the night before, man.

No bintas. Shit. good choons tho. There was a band playing at the paradise lounge who did a bangin cover of "500 miles" by those scottish Geezers, the Pro lamers. Shame there was no Woontz in there to give it some chownage. Right on the last chorus i broke it down and spun some wicked moves on the floor. I got some dodgy looks off men wearing eye shaddow and promptly left. They looked like batty men so i was shit scared id get one dancin with me, or even worse, bumraped. Scary shit dude.

well i woke up at nine and my uncle came round later. as soon as he got here he said "wassup bloke, uve got some wicked chowns with that fuzz geezeer. me brothers love that stanky shit, yo.". i was well chuffed cheif. PHAT CHOWN is reaching the people. its getting phatter than everyones mums.

Just before i snorted a line of chalie off the toilet (bangin) me main man Fuzz pops round, "aii me homie, is u got me chowns from de travellers club chief?" so i sorted him out. not much else happened apart from a bangin chillout session down the Triangle we me homies, Fat Jake, Average Dave, DJ Big Boppa and Stan Stan Stan the Endaway Man.

I also managed to book a Sesh with my side project for tommorow night. My Side project is called CMOT. We started off as a shitty guitar band with real drums instead of synthesisers but it was gay. I remixed one of our chowns the other day called "all roads lead to home". you might of heard it. well now its some rinsin stanky ass shit with bangin bass lines and some Chorus Keys to die for. Safe geezer, this chown is gonna be massive.

not a bad day. fealt like shit. Safe.

 

 

Monday 25th February 2002
 

 

Today has been BATTY. I woke up around 8ish and just thought, school, GAY. yes i think GAY every day i wake up. GAY GAY GAY. I couldnt be arsed to get up at that time boss, so i slept in till 11. Im a lazy bastard cheif. But someone as cool and bangin as me, needs his sleep, well maybe not the bangin bit. yet. Daves mom will be back from the lab soon so ill get some release then. :-)

I really need to cut wome stacks of wax with an axe too boss. missing the chownage badass. Like i said before ive done a remix, and as a traditional DJ i shouldnt be arsed to do anything more and i should just rob off with other peoples music and stick a bass drum over it and be happy. But im not your average DJ guv.

Check it. I got into school about HAAAAAAAALF PAST 11. cannae be arsed boss. looked like id only just got up, coz i had. Next thing i know, weve got a lesson with whitely. Fun, Fun. Fun. went home, i couldnt even be arsed to go to the pub with me main man Fuzzeo. got changed, then worked on my side project, commonly known as CMOT. We sounded pretty good tonight. shame i didnt have my vinyl with me, could of really rinsed it up. bass in ya face.

Im going to bed now cheif. buh bye and remember. Wicked.

 

 

Tuesday 27th February 2002

 

 

Well im feeling ill today party dudes and bangin bintas. My throat hurts and my nose keeps running. rank cheif. Got into school on time again which was better than normal but got a phone call off me main men Chaz and Dave at about 12:30. heres the convo "transcript" cheif:

Chaz: Yo Yo Bangin Boss! Hows it goin Fish-Slice?

Fish-Slice: What you want you piano playing botter?

Chaz: well mate, i was wondering if you could... you know.... with our classic...

Fish-Slice: No chance boss. Im not remixing "ive got a brand new combine harvester" again. My last remix was bangin, i dont need to remix that pile o shite again.

Chaz: but... but... its a classic chown cheif!

Fish-Slice: classic chown my arse geezers. its batty. ive got a brand new combine harvester and ill shove the key up your arse pal. When you foned i was getting some hot lovvin from Britney Spears but now shes gone to finish her homework. Im not impressed. Bye bye you nobheads. safe.

Chaz: please!

Fish-Slice: no chance. its not even your chown. now get the fuck off my fine twatface.

Well thats how it went. brittney came back and finished the job. she swallows.

I got a phone call off that geezer DJ Big Boppa too. He wanted me to go to the cinema with him, unwashed stan and his bird, "tracy" apparently, i dunno. ive told him many times before i dont like bumsex but he just wont listen. WOOOOONT listen. Do you see what i did there? well i ended up going to the travellers with a few of the batty cru, namely Fat Jake, Afgan Dave, MC BumFun and of course, the one and only Fuzz. It was rinsin. Somebitch kept beating us at pool anyway so i wasnt best pleased.

Just when i was gonna go home and try mixing that tractor song for Twat and Dave that fat cunt from Westlife walks in and cracks a big pool cue over the dudes face. Fuzz was bleeding everywhere. That fat bastard was going down. i said "forget flying without wings chief, your not even gonna be able to walk soon." he then said "to be sure, potatoes" then i promtly glassed him, twatted his fat face off the jukebox Fonz style, Shoved ther nearest item (an ashtray) up his fat irish arse and said "thats for boyzone you fat irish cunt".

Good end to a crap day.


 

 

 

Wednesday 27th February 2002

 

 

Hows it hangin geezers?

Another day without binta. a Top DJ having no binta is like dave without a fezzie. i mean what the hell is going on here boss? Stan Stan the Endaway Man is doing better than me. Thats embarassing. Oh well, ill find some bitch at my next gig to do my washing. other than my mum.

Well this brings us to my mum. I wouldnt mind all this sleeping around that shes doing if she actually did MY BLOODY WASHING. This is seriously affecting my endaway oppertunities. i smell almost as bad as stan.

Woke up feeling proper shitty cheif. got one of those crusty noses, u know where uve been sniffling for the whole day, but u cant sniff in ur sleep so it sorta flows and dries and goes all crusty? yeah i know, mingin. i decrusted myself then did a bong with me main man fuzz. nothing clears your sinuses as well as a good chuff on the old weed boss. we was cained dude. Double dropping pro plus too. ran out of water and got the munchies.

When we had the munchies me and me main man fuzzeo went for a trendy alcopop down the untrendy uxbridge. And who was there but the old fag himself Elton John. He was cummin on to the fuzz really bad, rubbing his leg and shit. But the bad thing was i think the fuzz was actually liking it. Elton had these proper gay glasses on, they had big lenses and two plastic cocks at each end, just incase you had forgotten that this "rocket man" was a "Faggot man". So i went up to me main man fuzz and warned him that he was a botter. fuzz said "i know hes as queer as fuck, he just phoned me to ask us to do a remix, i told him to shove his candles up his ass but i think this queer thought it was a chat up line. he assures me that he has got 3 industrial size candles up his arse right now".

So this leisurely alchopop turned into a nightmare as those old goofy past it DJ's Smashy and Nicey came in. They was dissin the chown propper bad. They said "man this chown is phatter than me dad" implying that the whole of the battee cru are batty, if u know what i mean. so we promptly darted them, beat shit out of them and glassed em. safe.

I also finished filming the first scene of the porn film im in, but i will tell you more about that some other day.

i also managed to get a remix of that classic sisqo chown "the thong song". Thats a proper lads chown, with asking the bintas to get their thongs and battys out so i decided the ladies need something to sing too. My remix is named "the Schlong Song". They love it dont they? Its a good job those geezers at Battee Cru records are safe blokes.

Beat up Smashy and Nicey.

good night chief.
 

 

 

Hows it hangin Niggers?

U all get some top muff last nite? oh well. Me and me main man fuzzingeo were having a word with DJ Big Boppa and MC BumFun today. We were having a chat about trying to organise a cool gig at the ashmole, which would be safe geezers wouldnt it? Sorry about the lack of updates on the Fish-Slice Diaries, but ive been busy spinnin the vinyl all week.